you're not my moon, baby—
you're my whole fucking sky.

i facetimed my niece
on her birthday and
she was so happy
to see me and
ran around the
house holding
the phone and
shutting
cabinets and
hanging out
and talking to
me, and it was
the cutest half
hour and my
most precious
memory.

you're my favourite person to go shopping with for anything expensive, because your advice is always to spend the money and get the nicest option, and i feel the same way.

there are a few things that you have said that have really stuck with me throughout the years. one of those things, i think you would redact if you remembered it, and another one of those showed me how much you loved me and that you would literally do anything for me. i guess i am saying that to show that although i know that you are not perfect, you are the perfect dad for me. i know that i can always 

count on you, and when i see your face anywhere or see your name calling my phone during something difficult, i know that i am safe and that everything is going to be okay.
your number is the only number i have in my favorites list, and i don't even know why it's honestly in there because yours is the only one i know from memory.

i know that it is likely that i have caused you the most worry out of any of your children, and while that was definitely a struggle for a while for both of us, i'm pretty sure the reason we have the relationship we have now is largely due to it.
this year has been a rough one overall for me, due to so many car issues, but the countless hours you spent working on my car, fixing it up, setting up car appointments, lending me cars, and giving me rides shows me that i am honestly one of the lucky 9 to have the best dad in the world. i know you hate my car, but i also know that you love me so much more than you hate my car, and honestly, that is a lot.

idk what to say because this feels so fucking unfair—
you should still be here.

if i had to choose one person in my life who was the most positive, supportive, ready to help at a moments notice, encouraging individual, 11 times out of 10, it would be you.
you were sunshine in human form, and you still are, because that’s how you will forever be remembered. you wanted to spread kindness, that was gonna be your legacy, and goddamn it is.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
you would give the shirt off your back to someone before they ever even realised they needed it.
you were always taking photos for others, so they had those memories—
but now we don’t have any photos together.
not even a single one.
i've scoured my camera roll, all 90,184 photos through. i've looked at every instagram archive story memory.
nothing. we have no photos together.
i’m angry because i should have been better. you should have been in them too.
i’m frustrated because i’ll never get a second chance.
i feel empty, because someone who so fully embodied light and positivity and sunshine is just... gone. just like that. no explanation, just gone.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
every time i saw you, you made me laugh. you made me smile, i was always happy, always vibing. i feel gypped. it's too soon.
i’ve found myself over the last few days being much more cavalier with my own life, wondering what this all even means, if it’s even worth it to try.
but you would say it is.
you would bring the light back into the room, make me feel silly for even questioning my existence. of course it’s worth it. all you ever wanted was for people to see their worth. how special they are. how loved they are, and fuck, this hurts like fucking hell. this doesn't feel real.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
life isn’t easy. you were living proof of that.
this isn’t easy, but your simple outlook on life, of spreading kindness and good vibes, that’s the only way forward. that is your legacy. 
i promise i’ll get through this. i know you would want that. that would be your wish. that we would all find the positive and good vibes through this, even when there are none. but your legacy will live on, Will. i’ll keep spreading good vibes, and i’ll make it to bali, love.

i know it scares the crap out of you every time you see me calling your phone, especially at night, which is why i always start out every conversation as "i am fine, alive, and safe", and then get into the actual topic.

the way you approach all of our family traditions is probably my favourite part of all of those traditions, and the biggest reason for why i make it a priority to be there. i love my family because you and mom really created a good one, and the way that we all love each other and get along is a testament to how much you love mom and us.

i realised, when i was sobbing as i was trying to think of what to write in the car, and now, as i am writing this (literal, tears pouring down my face, h looked up and asked me what the hell was happening and why i was weeping), that you are my best friend. i don't even have words to describe how much you mean to me, or how much i love you, or for maybe how out of the blue this is, but i love you so much, and i feel so beyond blessed to call you my father.

thank you for loving me despite all the reasons i gave you to give up, and all the times i pushed

—you away and wouldn't let you in. you kept trying, you prayed for me fervently, and you were a constant presence of jesus in my life, which i honestly really desperately needed at that time. i truly can't thank you enough for that, and for all you do for me.

i am so glad i got my sarcasm from you, and i was, and still am, always so proud that you were the dad that all my friends actually loved and thought was fun, but you show me what to look for in a man, and if i find anyone near as good of a man as you, i know you would want better, but i would consider myself super lucky.

i love you so much more than i could try to explain or show you, and i'm so excited to not only celebrate with you tonight, but to go to the fair on monday and see you living out our family traditions so traditionally like you. happy birthday, dad, you're the best, and i love you! ︎

(and you know it's true because you didn't help me out with anything today.)

ps- i drank an entire glass of water before writing this and i think i cried all of that water away.

when i shot my sister's wedding this past april, it really dawned on me why its so important to me that i really know my clients. because these aren't just photos that look pretty or that people are jealous of (cmon, that's part of it too), these photos are a part of your soul. they're the tangible piece to the puzzle of memories you can't quite pull out of your brain, because so much beauty and so much love was surrounding you, that it was impossible to fully take it all in. and now it's just a hazy cloud of laughter and smiles, and i love you's and kisses, and it's the best memory but the most confusing one where you know you lived it, but it's almost like you just dreamed it.

i got to show my sister her wedding photos, and typically, i don't get that honour.
watching her see her photos for the first
       time, and i myself going through those
             special moments of my own life, i
               truly, full circle, got to experience
                  a tiny bit of how you feel, and
                    that's what my photography is
                     all about. it's all about how
                      you feel. how you felt then,
                      how you feel in this moment,
                     looking back on that photo of
                    uncle jim just beaming.

that's really fucking special. and that's why it is so important to me that i know you like your best friend. the better i know you, the better i can tell your fucking magic of a fairytale.

i facetimed my niece on her birthday and she was so happy to see me and ran around the house holding the phone and shutting cabinets and hanging out and talking to me, and it was the cutest half hour and my most precious memory.

every time i take the lint out of the dryer, i think about all the times when you told me that your roommate took the lint out of the dryer and then just set it on the shelf in the laundry room and not in the garbage, and i'll never forget that.

i just wanted you to know and i hope you read this one day.


—contagious memory
noun, a memory that is triggered by a single action





i think that contagious memories should have to be shared, because it'sunfair that i remember it alone.

you're my favourite
person to go shopping with
for anything expensive, because
your advice is always to spend the money
and get the nicest option, and i feel the same way.

there are a few things that you have said that have really
stuck with me throughout the years. one of those things, i think
you would redact if you remembered it, and another one of those
showed me how much you loved me and that you would literally do
 anything for me. i guess i am saying that to show that although i know
 that you are not perfect, you are the perfect dad for me. i know that i can
 always count on you, and when i see your face anywhere or see your name
 calling my phone during something difficult, i know that i am safe and that everything is going to be okay. 
your number is the only number i have in my favorites list, and i don't
even know why it's honestly in there because yours is the only one i
know from
 memory.

idk what to say because this feels so fucking unfair—
you should still be here.

if i had to choose one person in my life who was the most positive, supportive, ready to help at a moments notice, encouraging individual, 11 times out of 10, it would be you.
you were sunshine in human form, and you still are, because that’s how you will forever be remembered. you wanted to spread kindness, that was gonna be your legacy, and goddamn it is.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
you would give the shirt off your back to someone before they ever even realised they needed it.
you were always taking photos for others, so they had those memories—
but now we don’t have any photos together.



















not even a single one.
i've scoured my camera roll, all 90,184 photos through. i've looked at every instagram archive story memory.
nothing. we have no photos together.
i’m angry because i should have been better. you should have been in them too.
i’m frustrated because i’ll never get a second chance.
i feel empty, because someone who so fully embodied light and positivity and sunshine is just... gone. just like that. no explanation, just gone.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
every time i saw you, you made me laugh. you made me smile, i was always happy, always vibing. i feel gypped. it's too soon.
i’ve found myself over the last few days being much more cavalier with my own life, wondering what this all even means, if it’s even worth it to try.
but you would say it is.
you would bring the light back into the room, make me feel silly for even questioning my existence. of course it’s worth it. all you ever wanted was for people to see their worth. how special they are. how loved they are, and fuck, this hurts like fucking hell. this doesn't feel real.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
life isn’t easy. you were living proof of that.
this isn’t easy, but your simple outlook on life, of spreading kindness and good vibes, that’s the only way forward. that is your legacy. 
i promise i’ll get through this. i know you would want that. that would be your wish. that we would all find the positive and good vibes through this, even when there are none. but your legacy will live on, Will. i’ll keep spreading good vibes, and i’ll make it to bali, love.

i know that it is likely that i have caused you the most worry out of any of your children, and while that was definitely a struggle for a while for both of us, i'm pretty sure the reason we have the relationship we have now is
largely due to it.
this year has been a rough one overall for me, due
to so many car issues, but the countless hours
you spent working on my car, fixing it up, setting
up car appointments, lending me cars, and giving
me rides shows me that i am honestly one of the
lucky 9 to have the best dad in the world. i know
you hate my car, but i also know that you love me
so much more than you hate my car, and honestly,
that is a lot.